Heartbeats and Flat Lines
by glo1196
Summary: **SPOILER ALERT FOR SEASON 4**If you have not seen the 3 minutes of the 1st episode of season 4 and do not want to know back out now.  This story is about Lanie & what she is thinking between Kate getting shot & the doctor giving them the news. 1 shot?
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note - short but sweet. I haven't written in a long while, not  
>since Gilmore Girls got cancelled. I haven't really watched any shows<br>where I couldn't miss an episode again until now. I know this isn't  
>great but it kept rolling around in my head begging to get out, since<br>I saw the preview of the first episode of season 4. Hope you enjoy.  
>Please do not read if you do not want to know anything about season 4.<br>You have been warned!

Castle and cast are not mine, because if they were I would not be here  
>typing this at 3 am, but in LA with the cast. All mistakes are mine...<p>

**Heartbeats and Flat Lines**

My toes curl around the gurney poles as I try maintain my balance and  
>stay on the gurney. I remember kicking my shoes off the moment I<br>wiggled out of Esposito's grasp at Montgomery's funeral to run to her.  
>Damn shoes were expensive too. I can see the look of pain on her face<br>as the bullet hit her. My mind went blank at that moment as adrenaline  
>and fear took over and that has been what has driven me through this<br>mess. Now, as I continue to balance precariously on the side of this  
>contraption, I am leaning over her with my hands pressing to her<br>chest. Wishing I could feel her heart beating as fast and strong as  
>mine is in my chest. Beneath my hands her heart has stopped its<br>rhythmic beat and only my continued compressions on her chest forces  
>the blood to pump through her veins. The gurney is suddenly careening<br>off the walls of the hospital corridor as the EMTs run as fast as  
>possible, knowing that this one...this one was a detective, someone<br>who risked their life for this city daily. I do not fall off or skip a  
>beat, I can't. I can hear Castle's pounding feet hitting the floor<br>behind me, he is struggling to breathe as he tries to reign in his  
>emotions. I can't risk looking at him, but I know what I would see. In<br>his eyes I would see my own emotions and fears reflected in them. He  
>loved her, he needed his chance to tell her, and he was wearing every<br>one of these emotions on his sleeve. I had heard his profession of  
>love as I reached them at the cemetery, and my heart broke for them.<br>This is not how their story is supposed to end.

We keep running and I keep balancing and pressing down on her chest,  
>begging her to stay with us. Watching as the blood continues to seep<br>out of her wound and through my fingers, my gloves are covered with  
>it, and there is so much of it all over both of us.<p>

"Come on Kate," I try to make myself sound demanding giving her no  
>choice but to do what I say, but I am only fooling myself. The sound<br>of her heart monitor flat lining is still ringing in my ears as we run  
>for what seems like eternity down this sterile white corridor. She can<br>not hear me but it doesn't stop me.

"Stay with me, Stay with me," I mumble anyway. My voice betrays me I  
>have never been so scared in my life. This is my best friend, part of<br>my family. She can't die, not today, not ever! I look at her face and  
>she seems so peaceful in contrast to the chaos around her.<p>

"Come on," I mumble, my voice cracking with emotion.

"Do not die Kate Beckett, do not die!" I yell at her. I am angry, she  
>can't give up. She has so much to live for. Why didn't she wear her<br>vest? Why did she think this wouldn't happen?

"Come on, come on," I beg her as I finally see a doctor running  
>towards us.<p>

"Single GSW to the left chest, initially responsive but lost vitals  
>right in front of us!" The EMTs shout to the doctor. I hear them but<br>it is not registering, as we continue running down what seems like an  
>endless corridor. Good I think, Castle's running footsteps can still<br>be heard behind me. I am concentrating so hard on the CPR I am  
>performing, I barely hear the doctor yelling at me.<p>

"Probably want to switch - we got this." He motions to me that he is  
>going to take over the CPR. His tone is serious and urgent. I stare at<br>him as if he was asking something completely unreasonable.

"She's my friend do you understand me? She's my friend..." I try to  
>convey everything I want to say in those words. I want to stay with<br>her. I am afraid if I stop it will be the last time I will ever see  
>her. She is my best friend and confidant, my girl. I am afraid to<br>stop...to let go.

The doctor looks at me. "Then let us save her life." His tone is  
>authoritative, but compassionate and I understand. I can't save her, I<br>am not a surgeon, I can not be there. He slips his hand under mine and  
>takes over the CPR as I drop myself off the gurney. I have done<br>everything I could. My heart stops as I say a silent prayer that this  
>is not the last time I see Kate. Behind me I hear Castle catch up. The<br>pain of everything that has happened catches up with me as Kate  
>disappears with the EMT's and doctor through the door at the end of<br>the corridor. The tears come hard and fast, as the door close with a certain finality to them.

I look at Castle's usually bright blue eyes and they are full of  
>darkness and despair. The jovial, energetic man who makes us laugh and<br>who broke the impermeable walls that our detective built around her  
>heart, is gone. He is pale and tears are streaming down his face. He<br>does not try to wipe them away. I turn into him and he wraps his  
>shaking arms around and rests his head on mine. We both stand there<br>unable to move and cry for our Kate. The feeling is overwhelming and  
>neither of us has the power right now to stop.<p>

We cry for a few moments, sharing this engulfing grief with each  
>other, after everything we have just gone through. I take my gloves<br>off and can't bear to throw them away. I stuff them in a pocket of my  
>dress. Castle looks down at me, and he puts his arm around my shoulder<br>and squeezes. We are trying to reassure each other.

"She is a fighter Lanie. She can't go yet she has work to do on her  
>mother's case. She won't let that go unfinished, she is stubborn. She<br>still has a life yet to live." He says to me, as he tries to conjure  
>up a smile but fails miserably. The words touch me and I feel hope<br>seep in, it's a start.

Castle looks down at his feet and I barely hear his words as he  
>whispers, "I love her."<p>

I look up at him and nod in agreement. I have known that for a while,  
>we all knew. They were just blind; I hope it isn't too late. I try to<br>return his original sentiment hoping to give him the same  
>encouragement he has given me.<p>

"Our girl is a fighter, Castle. She wouldn't want us to be this way  
>now. I know she loves you, she may not have been ready to admit it but<br>she does. Don't give up on her. Let's go out there and meet the others  
>as they come in. I have a feeling neither of us is gong to be going<br>anywhere soon." He nods and we start walking towards a nurse's station  
>to see where it is we wait. Both of us are sure that soon we will be<br>joined by Mr. Beckett, Castle's family and our family from the 12th.  
>Our work family has had enough sorrow to deal with in the last few<br>days. We need each other right now.

We have been waiting to hear something for over 5 hours when the door  
>to the waiting room swings open and the doctor steps into the crowded<br>room.

"The family of Katherine Beckett ?" Everyone stands up, Ryan, Esposito,  
>Martha, Alexis, Jim Beckett, Castle and I. We are a family no matter<br>what anyone says. We are Kate's family. We stare at the doctor, our  
>faces a mixture of hope and fear. Our lives will be forever changed no<br>matter what he says, something this big changes things.

The doctor raises an eyebrow but gives us an understanding look when  
>he spots Ryan and Esposito's badges on their belts.<p>

"She is in critical condition. We have stopped the bleeding and  
>removed the bullet. She had a lot of internal damage but we have been<br>able to repair it. It is now up to her, and she is a fighter. She flat  
>lined twice while on the table...but she is breathing and has a<br>regular heartbeat right now..."

I stop listening and for the first time today release the breath I  
>felt I had been holding all day. The vice grip around my heart loosens<br>and I feel like there is a God in heaven. Kate Beckett was alive and  
>fighting for her life. I turn and throw my arms around Esposito<br>needing him close to me right now. I look over Esposito's shoulder and  
>catch Castle's eye. He winks at me and we both know that there are<br>better days ahead. The mood in the room suddenly turns to one of hope.

My mind wanders for just a second... Just wait until my girlfriend  
>gets better, she is going to hear it for scaring me like this...and<br>she owes me a new pair of shoes.


	2. Chapter 2

**As I was writing for my other fanfic "Oh Castle" this popped into my head. It is a narrative in Jim Beckett's point of view during Captain Montgomery's funeral and the events immediately after. I may add the POV of Alexis and Castle too. Hope you enjoy.**

It is such a bright, beautiful day compared to the solemn pain of those arriving at the cemetery. So many white stones signifying the death of an officer who gave their life everyday to keep us safe, line the lawn. It is hard to attend a policeman's funeral. These men and woman are family, an inexplicable bond formed because of their duty to serve others. Today they pay their last respects to a fallen comrade, to someone they loved, trusted and respected.

This funeral has made me want to hit the bottle for the first time in years. When I first heard of Roy's shooting I knew today was going to be difficult. Knowing that Roy was the man who for years was more of a father to Katie than I was; who encouraged her and helped mold her into what she is today, is difficult. This man who was there when I was drowning my sorrows in a bottle and letting my daughter flail through her loss and grief alone. Katie hasn't told me what has happened to bring us here today, but deep in my soul I feel that there is more to this than she is sharing.

I watch her in full dress uniform carrying her friend to his final resting place I can see the pain just looming behind her eyes. I see her lips quiver as she bites them. She is fighting the emotions just bubbling under the surface, I am so proud of my Katie. My heart breaks for her, for all the loss she has had to endure in her life. Life has not been easy for her since her mother's death.

I see her stand and walk to the podium. My heart fills with pride as she starts giving the eulogy. She is strong; she has so much to be proud of. She has achieved what she wanted, and is one of the few woman detectives in the New York City Police Department. Her team has the best close rate in the city. She has drive and knows what she wants, but her pain and losses have caused her to guard her heart and she doesn't share herself with many around her.

With the exception of the man currently standing beside her very few see the true Katie. Castle isn't her boyfriend, who isn't even here today, but probably the only person in her life she totally trusts now besides me

I listen as Katie speaks. "Captain Montgomery once said to me,that _for us there are no victories_**; **_there are only battles. And in the end the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand_**. **And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you." She turns and looks at Rick, their eyes meet and for a fleeting minute I think maybe Katie finally sees it. Then, I see Rick looking out past us into the crowd. He squints and he suddenly lunges at Kate while screaming her name.

Suddenly everything becomes a slow motion. I see the pained look on Katie's face when the bullet impacts her body. Someone throws me to the ground, and I look over to see Martha clinging to a sobbing Alexis. I squeeze Martha's hand and try get up to go to Katie. Someone yells for me to get down and not move.

When an officer runs in the opposite direction, I decide I can't sit here any longer. I run to the podium where Castle is holding my daughter with tears running down his face.

"Stay with me Kate…Stay with me. I love you." I hear his words as he repeats them over and over. Katie's friend the ME is giving her CPR, and my eyes focus on the pool of blood growing in size around her.

People are running and yelling orders, there is crying and the sound of sirens in the distance. She isn't moving. I drop down and hold her hand. I tell her I love her to hold on, that she has too much to live for, that I can't lose her too.

The ambulance arrives and Lanie, Rick and I all walk with the gurney as they take her to the ambulance. Tears are streaking down our faces as the paramedics explain that only two people can go. Lanie offers to stay behind, but she is the only one of us who can actually help. Rick offers, but looking at that boy I make the decision to follow behind them in a cruiser.

Arriving at the hospital I see Katie as they pull her from the ambulance and rush her inside. I am taken to admitting to fill out paperwork and give medical information on Katie. I don't even remember who I talked to or what I said. Next thing I know I am in a waiting room. A doctor has come out and told me she is in surgery. Rick and Lanie arrive they look like they have been to hell and back. Their clothes are covered in Katie's blood, their eyes sad and full of worry. Others from the precinct begin to stagger in as do Rick's family. Together we wait and pray, cry and hold each other as the hours crawl by.

Five hours later the door to the waiting room swings and the surgeon steps into the crowded room.

"The family of Katherine Beckett ?" Everyone stands up, Ryan, Esposito, Martha, Alexis, Lanie, Castle and I. We are a family no matter what anyone says. Our lives will be forever changed no matter what he says, something this big changes things.

The doctor raises an eyebrow but gives us an understanding look when he spots Ryan and Esposito's badges on their belts, as well as several uniforms by the door.

"She is in critical condition. We have stopped the bleeding and removed the bullet. She had a lot of internal damage but we have been able to repair it. It is now up to her, she is a fighter. She flat lined twice while on the table...but she is breathing and has a regular heartbeat right now..."

I fall into my chair and put my face in my hands as sobs escape me. I do not care who is watching me. Katie is alive; I am not going to lose her too. I still have something left to live for. I ask the doctor when we can see her and am told not for at least 3 hours, when they expect her to start coming out of the anesthesia. I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up to see Rick.

"Please let my family take you home to pack a bag, and stay with us at the loft. You live so far away and she will need you. Please, we have a guestroom you can use." His eyes are sad and he is hurting, but he is thinking of Katie and me and what we both need.

"Thank you Rick, I appreciate it and so won't Katie. She needs you too." I tell him knowing that he needed to hear it.

I think of the long road ahead of us all, and know there will be a lot of bumps and bruises. Looking around the room I hope that together, with all these people my daughter calls family, we will make it through.


	3. Chapter 3

**I wrote this one day and it has been sitting on my desktop haunting me. To short to be a one shot, and not fitting anywhere, but I think maybe it will find a home here. This story is about moments just before, during and after the shooting, so this makes more sense. I may do one more chapter from Castle's POV. Please leave a review, it would be appreciated.**

**Disclaimer- nope not mine…that bites!**

Numbness is all I have felt since the hanger. I am here at the funeral and not sure where the time between the hanger and here has gone.

"Captain Montgomery once said that for us there are no victories**; **there are only battles. And in the end the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand**. **And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you." I turn to look at Rick, our eyes meet and for a fleeting minute I think maybe we are both on the same page.

Then in the blink of an eye, life changes direction and your course is altered.

When you die they say your life flashes before your eyes. You remember your loved ones, memories you have held close to your heart, moments that shape you.

My breath is sucked out of my body the moment the bullet pierces my skin. My life flashes before my eyes like your grandfather's old slide projector. My Dad teaching me to ride a bike, my mom baking cookies with me on a Sunday afternoon, Lanie watching a chick flick and having beers, and the boys who always have my back. All people who have helped me become who I am. Josh does not make an appearance.

One person features predominantly in my slide show, his blue eyes piercing my heart as easily is the snipers bullet. He has given me back the life stolen from me that fateful night. After my mother's death I stopped living. I closed myself off to the world, showed enough to get by. I was guarded, indifferent and I settled on putting everything I had into my job. Castle, forced me feel again, made me laugh again, brought love back into my life, even if he doesn't know it.

It's his body I feel against me as I struggle to breathe and the burning pain courses through my chest. It is his voice I hear begging me to hang on, to stay with him. The pain in his heart is clearly evident in the tone of his voice. Tears threaten to spill from his sparkles eyes, as he wills me to live. I want nothing more than to comfort him as he has done for me so many times in the past. Reality blurs around the corners as I slip away when I hear his confession of love, and my heart for an instant feels no pain. For a moment in time the world is just perfect and a smile ghosts my lips, then I am ripped from his arms to be saved by others. I welcome the darkness.

I fade in and out, time has no meaning. I hear the voices of loved ones but can not see them. I can feel my father's hand holding mine, and Castle's caressing the other. I know which belongs to which man, by touch alone.

Castle whispers in my ear when we are alone. He promises me the world, and in those promises I find a man who deserves so much. He promises me happiness even if it is not with him. He promises me his unconditional love in whatever way I want it. He asks for "Always" even if it causes him pain, as long as I am happy. Sometimes he promises me himself, though he is convinced he doesn't deserve it. He has it all wrong; it is I who doesn't deserve him.

I wake up a few days later to find Castle with a black eye. He says he hurt himself being clumsy, the boys and Lanie tell me otherwise. He tells me he has gone home to sleep, but the nurses tell me he goes as far as the waiting room, keeping vigil over me. He fears someone may try again. He brings me food and drink, but everyone says he doesn't eating. He is not living anymore.

He is quiet now. He seems sad, a shell of the Castle I love. It has taken this tragedy to open my eyes and heart to him. He has proven beyond a doubt that he is in it for "always." He deserves to be happy, but am I enough?

We don't speak of that day. He has never asked me if I heard him. So, today I asked him to come and read to me. When he stops I look at him and thank him for all he had done for me. I brush his hair off his face with my fingers, gently pulling his face to mine and placing a gentle kiss on his lips. They feel even better than they did outside of the warehouse what seems ages ago.

I smile as the mischievous sparkle appears again in his eyes, and I pull his face down again, for a second less gentle kiss. I pull back and look up at him making sure he "sees" my feelings for him. I nuzzle my nose against his and get lost in his eyes. I place one hand over his heart as I say,

"Rick? I love you too."

I take my first breath of the beginning of a new life…

**I know this story isn't like my other ones. It just needed to be written even if mostly just for me. Hopefully you guys are enjoying it. Please feel free to look on my profile for "Oh Castle" and "Nightclubs, Bathroom stalls and Limos" both of which are **_**M rated**_**! Let me know what you think of those too! Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Have a great day!**


End file.
